Blog post 6/30 - unedited

 Start time: 09:31pm

I have been home all day. Imagine I haven’t even seen the sun today. I feel sick now. I hate spending days on bed. I am more of the loud type guy who always wants to be out in the crowd. Now I am uninspired, I don’t even know what to write at all. By the way, this is my personal space, my public journal. If you see more of Is and Mes, please understand.

I failed posting last nights podcast episode but Alhamdulilah finished recording now and posted already. It is time to fill up my evening pages before I head out for a walk outside. If I missed the sun today, I won’t miss the Xamar night life, never.

My feelings? My feelings has been more of frustrations than fun lately. I hate to talk about it and yet I always bring it up. This is how I feel like. I feel like I joined a football team, wore their jersey and even played every practice game. I have shown the world how much committed I was with them and how much contented I felt. When the game day reached, I was not in the lineup. It was just a dream all these practice days and fun nights. How will that feel?

I don’t feel sad being left out of the lineup at all, I feel super mad showing the world our connection. I feel too bad making everyone believe I was with them unknowingly. Now it’s the same conversation everyday with every team I say hello to, how’s your team Ismile? I feel like taking a microphone in the streets and shouting my lungs out that I don’t belong with any team. I am in the transfer market, with no team and Hungary to join any team that could afford me. But how do I do this? I know writing this is wrong too and I will get a couple comments from friends on why I am even doing it. I promised myself that in this challenge, I write 500 words of purely my feelings for 30 days and many more are coming, please don’t judge me Lol. I also hate talking about it but I have to.

I am very enthusiastic and a public person. Wherever I go, I show my enthusiasm and affection to the whole world. I can’t be anywhere with one leg or less passion. I am there fully or be no where near there, it’s just simple. These are my rules and I don’t know how I will survive in Xamar with my rules. Imagine I have been having strong feelings of going back to Nairobi and giving up too soon. I know it’s been 132 days only and I should have faith but will I really survive in this environment? Will I survive around people like these? I am not sure if I will and I hope Allah shows me the light that I need to decide on my next path. I don’t even see it imagine. No plan B again. This reminds me of June 5th 2019 when I received my Chevening rejection and I didn’t have any plan B. Yaaay it’s 540 words, let me go for my walk now and Goodnight to whoever reads it.

End time: 09:47pm