Blog post 8/30 - Reflections

 Start time: 02:21pm

January comes to an end today. It has not been as productive as I hoped. I set plans and rules to follow and I almost failed in all of them. It has been a complete failure. How does it feel falling down in the first 100m of a marathon? Will you find the breath to get up and keep running or will you give up and quit? I guess we will find out the reply within February.

To reflect the first month of this year, it gets a rating of 5/10. The 50% that has worked was;

1. Workshop: the January workshop was a success. We managed to do it three times for three different cohorts on 12 and 13th of the month. A total close to 150 participants took part and I hope I had an impact on at least 30% of them.

2. Podcast: the other area that has worked this month was my podcast. I recorded 4 episodes so far and finishing off tonight with the 5th episode of the month. I am planning to do 8 episodes next month on every Monday and Thursday inshalah. Please be tuned and keep showing us your love.

The rest of my goals, aspirations and routines failed terribly. I started morning runs and only ran one day. I planned Netflix to be only for Friday and almost watched daily. My morning and evening routines were terrible too. Time to restrategize and plan better for February.

I am looking forward to starting a new hobby this month and maybe travel outside the city a couple of days. I am also planning to launch a big project with a friend and that might be the highlight of the coming month.

What I have to work on is getting a job. I am still unemployed and 4 months and a half here. It’s time to put more effort on nailing a position Inshalaah. 

To conclude my reflection, I advice you to celebrate more the little wins and learn more from the setbacks. If you are given a new day to live, it is always an opportunity to be grateful and put in more work than the one you put yesterday. Keep praying more and if you have belief on it, I promise they will all be answered. Prayers are powerful and they change destinies. Whatever you make your mind believe, trust me you will conceive.

End time: 02:33pm

Blog post 7/30 - unedited

 Start time: 11:40pm

Hey pals, welcome back to another day of writing. I promise it won’t be feelings today. I want to do a little comparison of two similar generations living in different cities. I always ask people how their childhood was and I get different answers.

You might ask someone who grew up abroad and this will be his reply. 

“My childhood was pretty Ok. I lived with both my parents. They loved us and took care of us. I went to school from nursery till I finished. I had a Quran tutor at home after classes. Sometimes I watched tv before I slept and sometimes my homework was too much and I was not allowed tv. On weekends, I had different types of games at home. I used to go to the park to play with my friends and it was always fun. I loved visiting my extended family too. We lived in the same neighborhood most of my childhood days. I miss my childhood and I wish I could relive the memory”

The reply for the same question when asked someone who grew up in Somalia will be this.

“My childhood was happy and sometimes tough. We were a big family and we lived together. I went to different madrasas and school and we moved a lot. I remember when I was class 5 and we had to leave the city. We stopped studying for a year and when I came back, I had to redo the same class all over again. I missed almost two years repeating classes and this made school tough. Family wise, I had a happy growing up and love from all sides of my family. I wish I lived abroad and I wouldn’t have seen wars and migrations”

You ask me the same question and my reply would be the image I have on May 1999.

“ I also moved a lot when I was a child. I lived in Bosaso, Kismayu and Mombasa. I remember not having a consecutive months in Dugsi because a war had to break out in Kismayo. I remember vividly on a Friday in 1999 when I got ready to go to the Friday prayers with Aabo and a war broke out. It was our clan who had the territory at that time and the other clan attacked and due to that, our fathers had to run for their lives. I remember been happy for not having Dugsi tomorrow and being very sad for watching my dad run away for his life. For anyone who grew up in southern Somalia, we all have the same experiences of running away for safety at least once in our lives and yet, for most of us, we had happy days growing up. We did not know or understand much the wars and its effects and we always had a smile on our face. We played on broken houses and bullet leftovers, we smiled not knowing how our parents struggled to provide us food and shelter. We survived everything. We are strong and fully capable to build our own mess if we just understand that. Where you grew up has no effect on you at all, what you take away from it has every impact on you. Let’s learn from our struggles to earn our satisfaction.

End time: 11:57pm

Blog post 6/30 - unedited

 Start time: 09:31pm

I have been home all day. Imagine I haven’t even seen the sun today. I feel sick now. I hate spending days on bed. I am more of the loud type guy who always wants to be out in the crowd. Now I am uninspired, I don’t even know what to write at all. By the way, this is my personal space, my public journal. If you see more of Is and Mes, please understand.

I failed posting last nights podcast episode but Alhamdulilah finished recording now and posted already. It is time to fill up my evening pages before I head out for a walk outside. If I missed the sun today, I won’t miss the Xamar night life, never.

My feelings? My feelings has been more of frustrations than fun lately. I hate to talk about it and yet I always bring it up. This is how I feel like. I feel like I joined a football team, wore their jersey and even played every practice game. I have shown the world how much committed I was with them and how much contented I felt. When the game day reached, I was not in the lineup. It was just a dream all these practice days and fun nights. How will that feel?

I don’t feel sad being left out of the lineup at all, I feel super mad showing the world our connection. I feel too bad making everyone believe I was with them unknowingly. Now it’s the same conversation everyday with every team I say hello to, how’s your team Ismile? I feel like taking a microphone in the streets and shouting my lungs out that I don’t belong with any team. I am in the transfer market, with no team and Hungary to join any team that could afford me. But how do I do this? I know writing this is wrong too and I will get a couple comments from friends on why I am even doing it. I promised myself that in this challenge, I write 500 words of purely my feelings for 30 days and many more are coming, please don’t judge me Lol. I also hate talking about it but I have to.

I am very enthusiastic and a public person. Wherever I go, I show my enthusiasm and affection to the whole world. I can’t be anywhere with one leg or less passion. I am there fully or be no where near there, it’s just simple. These are my rules and I don’t know how I will survive in Xamar with my rules. Imagine I have been having strong feelings of going back to Nairobi and giving up too soon. I know it’s been 132 days only and I should have faith but will I really survive in this environment? Will I survive around people like these? I am not sure if I will and I hope Allah shows me the light that I need to decide on my next path. I don’t even see it imagine. No plan B again. This reminds me of June 5th 2019 when I received my Chevening rejection and I didn’t have any plan B. Yaaay it’s 540 words, let me go for my walk now and Goodnight to whoever reads it.

End time: 09:47pm

Blog post 5/30 - unedited

 Start time: 08:11pm

Sitting on Liido beach for the first time in 2022, it feels like it’s my first time ever. There are some feelings you can’t explain at all, like being hit by the passing wind, or watching the waves dance in between the sea and the shores, or seeing the Somali youth have fun in their land and walk side by side happily in a peaceful environment.

Liido beach is the most beautiful spot in Mogadishu, according to my opinion. Every time I come, part of me comes to life. My beliefs of living and working for my country forever grows anytime I come by these sides. Tonight it’s different, it’s full of youth enjoying their weekends and forget their workloads. There are mothers on the shores selling Shaax and Cambuulo. They sit on small stools building dreams for young students going to universities locally and abroad. The future of Somalia has always been women and it will always be them. 

Above these mothers on the shores are big hotels selling the same shaax over one dollar. Our fathers, the men who forgot this country, are sipping their teas discussing political agendas and siding with different sides, the same people who ruin us on their reigns.

My favorite things here are; seeing the waves and hearing to their sounds. I can’t tell whether they are happy or sad, to be in a country that throws its rubbish on them. I can’t tell whether these waves are arguing over something or agree on everything. I can’t tell whether these waves would take away the dark feelings in me and plant in me hope that I need. 

If I were to talk to the waves, I would tell them to listen to me and not judge. I would tell them to know my worth and give me what I deserve. I would tell them to take me as I am and never let me go. I would tell them to give me the powers  to bless everyone. I would tell them to see the intentions in me and not what I show. I would tell them everything and nothing.

Sometimes I wonder, why would I sink in the sea and the boats always float? Is it that I am made of flesh and they are made of wood? Or is it they adapted to it and I am learning to adapt? How long do I have to take to adapt to it? How long do I take to grab my chances? How long do I take until I am needed? How long do I stand here and clean my feelings for a heart that does not need them? Let me go back to my seat and maybe play a game with the team. I am signing off for now. Goodnight.

End time: 08:32pm

Blog post 4/30 - unedited

 Start time: 10:51pm

I might have had a dark moody day but I am going to write about a milestone that made me the happiest man ever. Let’s get to it, shall we?

It was a wonderful Wednesday, in Mogadishu. This day has been a moment I waited for a very long time. I remember visioning it all the time. I played it in movies and dreams most of the time. It finally came, it was my wedding day. In the past 5 years, I had marriage in my top new year resolutions and today was an end to it. It was that moment I had to tick it off the list.

A week ago, we set the date, invited our families and booked the location. I planned for this day to become the best memory of my life so far and I was about to make it come true. I was marrying a woman I just met 7 months ago but it felt like we knew each other longer than that. We were both ready to take this responsibility and make life as we envisioned. 

I woke up early, did my morning routine as usual. What was to happen today was just a dream and I didn’t want it to ruin my morning routine. I came back home, showered and almost dressed for work. I stopped myself in the mirror, looked into my face deeply just to check if I was dreaming. I got my phone for the first time in the day and called a number. It was saved with just a love emoji. She picked up sounding jubilant and shouted good morning husband to be. I was still surprised, I did not want to believe this dream. I had to make sure this was not only a dream but becoming a reality in hours. We had a little chat and hang up.

Fast forward to lunch time, I was dressed in black as if I was mourning someone. Black will always be my color and I had to wear it on my happiest day too. I wore a black Macawis, a black Armani shirt and a black cimamad with sandals. I hate suits and simple was always my attire. I arrived in the hotel accompanied by my younger sibling. Sat before me, were my dad, her dad and my favorite Sheikh Said Rageah. I was not loving the whole speech and talk agendas and just couldn’t wait to get to the part I say I accept. It reached and I shouted I accept. This was all I have been waiting for. I could not wait for the lunch to be served or pictures to be taken for my plane was waiting. I left the hotel to receive my beautiful wife. 

She wore a white gown and even looked prettier. We left the country holding hands and waving byes to our families. Our honeymoon kicked off.

I was woken up by a loud bang on my door, that was Aabo waking us up for Fajr. I realized it was just a dream.

End time: 11:05pm

Blog post 3/30 - unedited

 Start time: 10:18pm

I have already filled my morning pages today and I could not write again. I journaled in the morning, of course I journallled my thoughts and feelings and I cannot share that. Let me write todays blog now here on my notes app because I could not use my morning pages and which means I can’t tell how many words I will write. 

On this post, I will share one advice that I wanted to hear today and I am sure most of you would want to hear too. This is my advice. Happy reading.

“Stop feeling guilty for speaking up about the things that are bothering you. Someone we are put on a lot that we cannot carry and out of respect, we choose to be silent. Sometimes we are given bigger responsibilities and again wanting to please others, we kill ourselves. Sometimes we are given contracts we don’t deserve and out of the fear of loosing it, we accept disrespecting ourselves. It is ok to say No to what does not grow you. It is ok to lose and throw away to what you don’t deserve. Embrace your worthiness to attract what you are worth. Decline and reject anything below your standards for what you deserve to find you. Stop feeling guilty for losing things, stop regretting about the decisions you took and stop not speaking up for yourself. You are your own champion and you have to guard yourself even stronger. You deserve way better. You deserve respect and appreciations. Don’t be hard on yourself. Speak up for yourself. And finally, stop feeling guilty for speaking up about the things that are bothering you”

Regards

Ismail

End time: 10:26pm

Blog post 2/30 - unedited

 Start time: 9.14pm

This is day 2 of my writing challenge. It is called write from your heart and although I am hating to express at this moment, but I will go through with the challenge and write from my heart.

My head is exploding. It is full with lots of thoughts. Most of it could be sad thoughts but again there are some positive thoughts too. When I couldn’t handle them, I chose to record tonight’s podcast episode and maybe see if that settles me down. I have been locked in a dark room talking for 50mins over the phone doing what I love doing the most, sharing my voice and impacting the community. Sometimes doing what we love settles down our moods. I am kinda cheered up now and getting lots of calls. Sorry guys I won’t be picking up tonight, please understand.

What are you worth? Or let me rephrase, how much are you worth? Do you have an hourly rate of your time? How much is spending or doing 1hr of something worth to you?

For me, my time is worth lots. I know I seem free and doing lots of fun stuff most of the time but I still have untouchable time too. What’s more worth than even my time is my mind. I feel like our mind is the biggest resource we have, bigger and more expensive than lots of golds. Combine these two and you get my point..

Whatever you put your time and mind on has to be worth how much you are worth. If you expect my time and my ideas and thoughts, it has to be worth how much I make it worth. It has to be what I deserve, how much input I am adding, how much efforts I am bringing, how much ideas I am generating and how much influence I am having. If I don’t bring any of these; inputs, efforts, ideas, thoughts, influence and impact, then I might be worth zero to you. But when I bring all these, and you price me way lower than my worth, then that’s disrespect. I hope this sums up my thoughts tonight and I still have 150 more words to write, let me try to make it something sweet lol.

As I was writing this, 3 other guys were in my room and one of them asked, what kind of people does Somalia need? A Burundian friend answered pointing at me. I stopped writing happy to receive such a compliment but then I asked him why me? And this was his reply, it definitely made my night bright and I hope you learn and take the wisdom from it.

Hassan said, “ he knows what he is doing, he doesn’t sleep without finishing his work. He has a target and unless he reaches, his day does not end. Somalia needs more of him” 

I never imagined how small words could brighten and change feelings in a second. I was hating these three guys being in the room, I wanted my loneliness but I had to finish my podcast and blog. I got words which still makes me happy this second. And finally, I wrote over 500 words again, for a second consecutive day. Thank you for bearing with me as I throw out my feelings which might not be what you wanted to hear. If you read till here, I appreciate you. Goodnight.

End time: 9:38pm